


Blueberry Muffins

by potterthepoltergeist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, First Meetings, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Muffins, Gen, Humor, M/M, Muffins, coffee shop au???, sort of???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:29:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28728900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potterthepoltergeist/pseuds/potterthepoltergeist
Summary: Sirius Black had not been expecting to be whacked in the face with a blueberry muffin.Or, Sirius is just trying to walk down the street, Remus can't stop saying sorry, and Lily is late again.
Relationships: Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 65





	1. part i

Sirius Black had not been expecting to be whacked in the face with a blueberry muffin.

Sure, he'd been whacked with a few things before. He'd been hit by notebooks, a large potted fern, one very irritated goldfish in a plastic bag, among many others, but never a blueberry muffin.

Except that was where he found himself, standing outside of the cafe downtown: being whacked in the face with the most ginormous damn muffin he'd ever seen, let alone collided with, in his entire life.

It didn't  _ hurt  _ very much, exactly, but he was so shocked by the muffin's unpredictable contact with his face that his expression must have displayed more pain than he was actually feeling.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry- shit, I- oh, shut up, Lily, it's not that bad. Right? Or is it really bad?"

Sirius could only open and close his mouth (much like that plastic bag goldfish).

"Dammit, maybe it  _ is _ bad."

"Rem, it's a  _ muffin _ for Christ's sake; you didn't even break his nose."

"Um, hello? Are you- I'm so sorry."

A guy about his age was holding the muffin in question. He had lightly freckled skin and gold-laced curls that flopped down over his forehead. He kept gawking frantically between the muffin and a nearby girl with dark red hair and a newsboy cap (who had begun to shake with silent laughter). "That was the single greatest thing I've witnessed all week."

The boy scowled. "Yeah, well, if that's the case, then you, Lily Evans, do not lead a very exciting life." He turned back to Sirius, who could finally appreciate how amber his eyes were. "I'm really sorry, I was just-"

"No, it's fine," Sirius laughed, wiping a speck of blueberry off of his cheek. "How the hell does that even happen?"

The other boy opened his mouth to speak, but Lily interrupted, "He always waves his hands around all crazy when he talks, ya know? And he sort of just-"

"Gesticulated his muffin into my face," Sirius finished, mirroring the girl's smirk. She nodded. "Exactly. Right into your face."

"Well, it's a pretty big muffin."

"That's true," Lily said slowly, narrowing her eyes at the baked good. "Who makes muffins that big? But I'd better go. Dorcas'll whip my arse if I'm late again. See you, Remus. Muffin Man." The girl waved at them both with two hands before hurrying off across the street, red hair trailing behind her.

Remus ran his fingers through the soft mop of curls on his head. "I really am sorry."

Sirius chuckled. "You don't have to keep apologizing."

"Oh. Okay. Sorry. Oh, shit-"

"Hey, look, you're good." A grin spread across Sirius's face for no apparent reason. "I'll see you around, yeah?"

"Yeah, okay," Remus tweaked up the corner of his mouth in a shy smile and walked off down the pavement.


	2. part ii

Remus Lupin had not been expecting to ever run into Muffin Man again.

Sure, he knew it was entirely possible - and would make for a very awkward and forced conversation - but he hadn't actually been expecting it to _happen._

Except that was where he found himself, walking out of the little café downtown: stumbling smack into the guy, who had his black hair twisted up into a messy bun, tangled headphones dangling from his ears.

And the first, most embarrassing words that popped into his mind just _had_ to be the ones he said out loud: "Muffin Man!"

Muffin Man's silvery eyes blinked. His lips turned up at the same time his eyebrows furrowed slightly, leaving him with a bemused sort of smile. "Uh, hi."

_Wow, Remus, way to go._

"Sorry, I didn't- that's just the name my friend gave you." After a moment's pause, he added hastily, "Lily. The girl who was here- I, um, yeah." _I didn't tell my friends about you,_ he wanted to say, but Remus figured that would sound ruder than he meant it to.

Muffin Man's smile became less confused and more genuine. He gestured at the little paper bag in Remus's hands. "Have you got another muffin?"

Remus nodded. "They're kind of bad, though, to be honest."

This coaxed a laugh out of Muffin Man. Remus rather liked hearing it.

"So I _shouldn't_ get one, then?" Now his smile was teasing.

"I'd say not." Remus finally matched it naturally. "Might be too traumatizing, besides, so..."

Muffin Man glanced at the pavement and up again, still grinning (so maybe Remus was doing _something_ right), a few strands of hair falling loose from his bun. "I've definitely been scarred for life. Completely sworn off. Of muffins. Not the people who whack me with them."

A potentially witty remark died on Remus's lips, replaced by a red flush on his cheeks.

In the silence, he kicked a pebble and watched it skitter towards Muffin Man's shoes.

~~~

At least once a week, they crossed paths, always in front of that same café shopfront. Remus wasn't sure if it was on purpose or not anymore, but he suspected that some part of his subconscious was taking him downtown for another trashy blueberry muffin. (And another borderline-flirty conversation, but that was one matter that Remus did _not_ feel like confronting.)

It might have been a month or so into these strange, "unintentional" meetups when Remus realized that he was still calling the guy "Muffin Man."

The door cheerfully tinkled as it opened and closed behind Remus. Muffin Man was waiting under a cloth window awning, scrolling through his phone.

Waiting?

As soon as he saw Remus, standing awkwardly under the opposite awning, he slid his phone into his pocket and smiled. "They're still bad?"

It took Remus a second for him to realize what Muffin Man was talking about.

"Eh," he said, holding up the bag. "It's food."

Muffin Man had a faint dimple in his left cheek; he could see it clearly now. "So you don't like them... but you're still gonna eat them?"

Remus bravely crossed in front of the door to Muffin Man's awning. "The only other kind they've got is poppyseed, but the little black seeds get stuck in your teeth."

"And you absolutely _have_ to eat muffins?"

"Muffins are the sustenance of life. Muffins are... they're beautiful things, really."

"But not these muffins?"

"It's like I said," Remus said solemnly, peeking into his bag. "These muffins are 'eh.'"

"Shame, really," Muffin Man tsked.

"Exactly."

Several seconds passed, and Remus was deathly worried that uncomfortable silence would settle in, before Muffin Man blurted, "I'm Sirius."

Remus furrowed his brow. "About the muffin?"

"Well, yeah, but no," he snorted, "although I get that all the time. My _name_ is Sirius."

"Oh." Remus blinked. "I'm still gonna call you Muffin Man, though."

Muffin Man - _Sirius -_ laughed and twisted one of his rings around his finger. "Sure you are."

"No, I'm serious."

"No, _I'm_ Sirius."

"Oh my God," Remus groaned, leaning his head against the wall. "I'm going to be hearing that a lot, aren't I?"

There was one unexpected (and terrifying) beat of silence.

"Well," Sirius started, and his voice sounded oddly nervous. "That's only if- I dunno. If I see you again. Somewhere not in the middle of a downtown sidewalk."

Oh.

_OH._

There was another equally terrifying beat where Remus had no idea what to say.

"But, I mean, if you don't want to, then that's fine, and-"

"No, yeah, I'd like that. The first thing you said," Remus stumbled over the words. "We could, um, go somewhere."

Sirius's smile was so wide, so bright, and it gave Remus just the teeniest bit of hope.

"Somewhere with better blueberry muffins."


	3. part iii: me too, muffin man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an epilogue, sort of.

"What about the one we went to last week?"

"Sirius, we went to _three_ last week. You're gonna have to be more specific."

"The one in the mall."

"Those seemed a bit dry."

"Okay, yeah, that's what I thought. Except the ones from the bookshop were basically raw."

"Right?"

Sirius nodded solemnly, keeping both hands on the steering wheel. After a few (only slightly awkward) dates, they had unironically taken it upon themselves to hunt for the best blueberry muffin within the county.

Well, at _first_ , it was ironic, but then Remus opened a spreadsheet, Sirius started collecting data, and all hell broke loose.

"So," Remus started, staring at his laptop. "We've got one too dry, one too raw, one burned, one _very_ burned, one with too many blueberries, one with too _few_ blueberries, and one oddly spicy." He opened a new column on the spreadsheet and sighed. "I had no idea how impossible this mission would be."

Sirius hummed in agreement. "I'm still wondering whether they put jalapeños in that one."

"Yeah, me too, Muffin Man. Me too."

Remus dissolved into quiet laughter. Sirius shook his head disapprovingly (while biting back a smile).

**~~~**

They stopped at a small strip mall only miles away from the county lines. The café there seemed pretty shabby, but it wasn't too crowded, and the prices were as reasonable as one would expect from modern society. Also, they'd been driving for over an hour. So they went inside.

And they were immediately hit by what Sirius would later go on to dramatically call "a symphony of every beautiful, delectable, wonderfully sweet smell on God's green earth."

(His exaggerations weren't too far from the truth.)

Remus had a quick, uncomfortable exchange with the cashier, involving forced small talk and awkward silence. Less than ten minutes later, they exited the shop, triumphantly holding a golden-brown muffin each.

"This better be good," Sirius said, shutting the car door, "because I don't know if I'll be able to sleep if it isn't."

"Agreed," Remus nodded. "Are you ready?"

Sirius took a deep breath as though preparing for some emotionally-taxing task - again, not too far from the truth. "I'm ready."

They took identical bites, chewed thoughtfully for a second, then mumbled "oh my god" and "this is amazing" through mouthfuls of blueberry muffin.

**Author's Note:**

> come scream at me on tumblr :D - @potter-the-poltergeist


End file.
